Payton Renee Courtney
by on September 5, 2018
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Suicide

I thought that i should touch up on this.

Suicide is one of the most painful things i’ve ever gone through. But first let me explain why i was thinking that way.

My grandfather Thomas Philip Buxton, was molesting my siblings and i for about a year or so at this point in time. I started to keep myself with the crowd of children who were mainly suicidal. I later became the “leader” of this group and was the one who listened to all of their problems, but ignoring my own. This only caused me to start thinking negatively. When i tried reaching out for help, those who i thought were friends told me i was being over dramatic and that i wanted attention. Like a friend once told me “cut short ways for attention, and longways for results.”  though i didn't cut, i did start to think of doing such things. Which scared me. When i looked at my body in the mirror all i saw was a disgusting, impure person who wasn’t worth the time of day. I began doing something that i regret today. I collected any pills that i knew would do me harm if i took to many. Scary thing to think about. Even today, i still have that bottle, and i add on every so often. But im doing my best. Im going to get rid of that stupid thing. I would lay in bed degrading myself saying that im not even worth the air i breathe. The only thing that stopped me was my siblings. I had someone to live for. I eventually told one person, a friend of mine, if they killed themselves, i would do the same. Thankfully it worked. And i live for more than just him and my siblings today. I live for things i want to see, and who i may become, as well as for those around me.  When i was depressed i would write notes to myself, of everything i hated, and i would read them when i felt down. Not the best idea. Up until now i wanted to burn all of them. However i think they may come in use one day so i keep them locked away. Instead of writing these terrible notes to myself, i now write positive notes and read those when i feel down, to cheer myself up.

Im very thankful for the person that i have become today. I haven’t thought about suicide for months and im thinking a lot more positively now that im thinking differently and moved to a new place.

I’ll be writing another blog about everything i did to start thinking positively, in another blog.

More to come

                        Love Payton

9/5/18

Topics: suicide
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